August 23, 2012 - My Anger Issues

I have been living with what I describe as an angry temper for 48 years now. I have been listening to George Zalucki and John Maxwell a lot lately. If I can paraphrase what they say – anger is an intense feeling of extreme displeasure over something that happened in the past and cannot be changed.

So what does that all mean to me? I have been struggling to not “control” my anger but recognize the feeling and get rid of it and replace it with something else. Its very difficult for me – almost half a century of conditioning. I should also say that as far as my emotional upbringing is concerned, my mother led that training. She had a wicked temper and held a grudge for what seemed like forever.

My dad was the calm one. His was not a strong personality so it was hard to learn from him. That and I don’t think my mother really wanted us to learn from him. Being the youngest of 4 kids with a 15 year difference between the eldest and youngest, I’ve also had the opportunity to observe my siblings. They have carried a lot of that anger around with them too in various forms.

Enough of the past. I am really trying to do my best to “count to 10” before reacting. In that time, I am asking myself some questions AND forcing myself to answer them.

• EXACTLY what am I angry about?
• Can the “thing” be re-worked or fixed?
• Does it REALLY matter? (Will anyone die or be physically hurt?)
• Am I really angry with myself?

I suppose there are a lot of other questions that can get spawned from those but I usually end up calming down after the first one. Anger is such a wasted emotion. I am amazing myself with my new-found ability to keep calm.

I am sure my family doesn’t think so YET! I see myself having difficulty managing my emotions when I am in certain situations. These situations or conditions can be:

• Having had too much to drink.
• Being too tired.
• Being ill.
• Allowing outside influences to change my mood or emotional condition. THIS IS THE WORST ONE!!!!

So although it sounds easy, it is not for me. I must constantly run through those questions and thoughts about what is triggering those feelings.

It is a real challenge for me as I have to spend time alone with a person who does her best to trigger those feelings of anger in me. I have realized this person actually thrives when she sees people in emotional distress. She tries to instigate conflict amongst other people.

I have to keep repeating John Maxwell’s thought – “Hurting people, hurt people. And hurting people are hurt by people.”

Wish me more skills!